My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
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Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Easy enough.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.