wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
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Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
if a cop pulls u over play dead
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions