3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
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I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
When he asks for feet pics
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
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oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Raisins are grape jerky.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
You’ll be OK
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.