20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
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Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
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.
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Squash
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
BETRAYAL
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…