If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
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Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Who says great literature is dead?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus