“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
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Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.