At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
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Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.