Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
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This is a true ally.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though