excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
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I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Human are so complicated
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.