At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
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This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
what
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what