If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
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the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Hot hot hot 🥵
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Never mess with a drunken pig.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
How can I say no to this ?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me: