Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
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friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me recordaron éste meme
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.