My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
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[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little