Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
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Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
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you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
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Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
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Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
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