hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
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I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO