Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Google assistant rules
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Encore…
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.