Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?