My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive