Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
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That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Squirrels before girls.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?