Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
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her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*