host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
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If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
When you’ve simply given up.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!