Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
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A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover