People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
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[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
welp
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Oh thanks BBC.