Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
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What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.