Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.