trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
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This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
(True)
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason