You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
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My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*