doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.