#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
You Might Also Like
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
“How’s your day going?”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
The funk soul brother
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.