[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
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[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
When libraries troll their patrons.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl