The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
You Might Also Like
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Wait a minute…
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.