*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
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Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
no one ever comes back
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.