they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Friday night party time 🥳
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.