General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
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Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.