Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter