When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
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My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”