My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
You Might Also Like
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know