It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
#DesignFail
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.