have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
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“Wait, let me explain..”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
And that about sums it up.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.