Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
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yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep