[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
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Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS