#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
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How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
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😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic