*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
being a writer on Twitter:
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Breaking news:
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.