If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
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if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet