[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.