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I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.