English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
the prophecies have been fulfilled