If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
You Might Also Like
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
#milo
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.