“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
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I bet birds love this building.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing