Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
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Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that